Hippie Experiments and Split Personalities
by ScaryBones
Summary: Kyle and Kenny ducked behind a tree, hands pressed to their lips in imitation of walkie-talkies. "Jewfro, this is Sex God. Target is in sight, over."


**Note: Not to be taken seriously. :)**

Kyle and Kenny ducked behind a tree, hands pressed to their lips in imitation of walkie-talkies. "Jewfro, this is Sex God. Target is in sight, over." Kenny glanced over at his red-headed friend with a grin.

"Jewfro, really?"

"What was that? I didn't understand you. Over."

A sigh. "Jewfro, really? _Over_."

"Yes. It's fitting." Kenny grinned. "Now, we need to get passed that dragon and over the bridge, got it? Over."

"...Okay."

"Go!" And with that, Kenny ran screaming from the bushes, making shooting sounds and aiming with his fingers.

Cartman, upon seeing this, laughed maniacally and aimed an imaginary canon at the blonde. "Not so fast, wise guy! Didn't think I'd have a cow-spitting canon on my side, did you?"

"Oh no." Kenny glanced left and right. "That's impressive, but I've got my trusty...Jew robot!"

"_Jew robot activated_." Kyle crawled from behind the bush and made beeping sounds. "_Force feild on. _Surrender!"

"Except that your, uh, force feild wasn't equipped to handle the beefiness of cows!" Cartman smirked.

"No, we got that feature added on two months ago." Kyle walked robotically toward Cartman. "Now, tell us where you're hiding the hippie, and maybe we'll spare your life."

"No! I have Class Four armour on, which is impenetrable to your weak, robot lasers-"

"No, you don't, asshole!" Kenny took a step forward and pulled the trigger on his invisible gun. "Kaboom! Looks like your canon's damaged heavily."

"Nu-uh, what kind of gun were you using?!"

"I was using my patented cow-canon rifle."

"That doesn't even exsist!"

"Yuh-huh, I invented it!" Kenny rolled his eyes and put a hand on his hip. "Now hand over the hippie or you're next, fatboy!"

The larger boy held up his hands with a sly smile. "Alright, follow me, gentlemen, and I'll take you to your beloved friend."

Cartman led them to the side of the house, where Stan was sitting lopsided in a chair, legs propped up on one of the arms, mumbling the lyrics to a song. His eyes brightened and he sat straight when he saw his friends. "Finally! I thought you guys were dead!"

"_Stan_, you can't talk, remember?" Cartman whined.

"Oh yeah." Stan muffled the sentence over, squirming in the chair.

"Wait, why can't he talk?" Kyle wiped sweat from his forehead.

"Because I did genetic experiments on him, and it messed up his throat, because I'm a mad scientist."

"I thought you were a psychologist that had a mental break down."

There was a few moments of silence before Cartman shrugged. "I have a split personality, which is why my wife left me."

"Oh...okay." Kenny shrugged and held up his arm again. "Release the hippie experiment, or you'll be...wait, let me think of a cool punch line..."

"Oh, oh! Try this: _Release the experiment, or I'll show you an experiment you'll never forget_," Kyle offered.

"No, that sounds gay."

"Shut up,_ Stan_!"

Cartman hummed. "How about: _Give us the hippie, or we'll show you a circle that will_- No, that sounds gay, too."

"Well, what about- Oh, forget it!" Kenny fired his weapon and Cartman faltered in his stance, clutching his heart.

"N-no! My future, my wife, my experiment! I had a b-baby on the way! Uurgh..." He fell to his knees, panting hard and pushing his chest. "I hate you gahs...Oh God, I can see the light." He laid down on the ground, flipping onto his back and glaring weakly at the sky. "Is-is that you, Ruth, my adopted child that died in a horrible car accident?" He cleared his throat. "It had been a windy November morning and I had just been fired from work. While it was a difficult time in my life, little Ruth was-"

"Will you hurry up and die already?!" Kyle screeched.

Cartman puts his legs in the air dramatically, making a horrible groan and sticking his tongue out. "This is it...I'm done for...blahh."

"That was the worst death scene I've ever seen."

"Up yours, Jew!"

"Come on, let's grab the experiment!" Kenny leaped over the fat teen and landed in a crouch in front of Stan. "You're safe now, Morning Flower."

Stan rolled his eyes before being picked up and tossed over Kenny's shoulder.

"Come on, Jewfro, we need to dispose of this properly, so that it may never sing _Kum Ba Yah_ again." And with that, they rode off on their trusty stallions into the sunset (but in reality they were just two grown men holding brooms between their legs and skipping around in circles), knowing that their small town was once again safe.

**Please don't take this seriously, I just needed to write something that wasn't so serious and depressing. :D**


End file.
